The Greatest Hits of Erev-Rav—The Rabbinical School Listserv (2011-2012)

The following was presented at the Jewish Theological Seminary’s annual Purim Se’udah on Thursday March 8 2012:


Rabbinical Student Jonah Rank has sent us from abroad an anthology of some of the greatest words from our Sages. We proudly present: The Greatest Hits of Erev-Rav—The Rabbinical School Listserv.


Dear Rabbinical and Cantorial Students,

The Rabbinical and Cantorial Students Job Opportunity Network is pleased to announce a new job opportunity that will excite many of you.

Rabbi Lisa Gelber is seeking a substitute baby sitter for next Wednesday evening. This is a one-time job opportunity. The pay is competitive and includes transportation and food.

Behatzlachah,

Catherine


Shalom Arvei Rav,

Does anyone know if I’m gonna get kicked off this listserv at some point?

Kol tuv,

Lee Epstein


Shalom Erev Rav,

I told the congregants at my pulpit that I’ll teach a class next week on Jewish views of evolution. I’ve got 25 people signed up, and I’m really excited.

Do you think I should do it?

Rav todot,

Zachary


Shalom Erev Rav,

You are all cordially invited to my senior sermon, followed by refreshments. The sermon will take place in the Women’s League Seminary Synagogue on November 18, 2015. It will have been a pleasure to study with many of you by the time I’m a senior rabbinical student.

L’hitra’ot,

Leah


Shalom Erev Rav,

Does anyone know how I can use the Bar-Ilan Responsa Project? Does anyone have JTS’s password for this?

Kol tuv,

Lee Epstein

P.S. Also, does anyone have Chancellor Eisen’s password? I can’t log into his E-mail anymore.


Shalom Erev Rav,

Why is Lee Epstein still on this listserv? This listserv is supposed to be confidential and for Rabbinical students only. He hasn’t been a rabbinical student here since last year!

Be’ahavah rabbah,

Jonah Rank

P.S. Click the following link for a long reflection I wrote. www.jonahrank.com/really-long-article


Dear Arvei Rav,

Please do NOT use my name or E-mails in any Purim Skits. I WILL be offended.

Hillel


Shalom Erev Rav,

Next week, I told my pulpit that I’d teach about different ways of understanding God. We’ve got over 40 people signed up for the lecture, and I’m really excited.

Does anyone know any midrashim about God?

Rav todot,

Zachary


Shalom Erev Rav,

After spending a few months in this new apartment, we’ve noticed that we have no use for certain items we inherited from previous tenants. We moved in with a lot of our own furniture and silverware.

Does anyone have any use for an extra guillotine? I figured I’d use the spare on the Hebrew School kids, but the shul says there isn’t enough space.

Shabbat shalom,

Judy


Shalom Erev Rav,

The Rabbinical and Cantorial Students Job Opportunity Network is pleased to announce a new job opportunity that will spark an interest in many of you.

After three consecutive years of Shlichei Tzibbur inexplicably disappearing around Sukkot, Congregation Beth Mystery is seeking a student Sh’liach Tzibbur to guide them through this coming year—or at least however long your whereabouts remain known.

I could not get much of a description of the synagogue itself, but the president told me, “This is a killer job!”

And then he laughed in a manner that disturbed me to no end.

Behatzlachah,

Catherine


Shalom Erev Rav,

My cousin worked at Congregation Beth Mystery two years ago as their Sheliach Tzibbur, and he had a lovely time there.

Until suddenly.

Let me know if you’d like to find out more about the congregation!

Mwuhahahaha!

Aderet


Hi Erev Rav,

Does anyone have a DVD of Silence of the Lambs?

I want to show it to my Hebrew School kids.

Shabbat shalom,


Judy Greenberg

Shalom Erev Rav,

Next week, I told my pulpit that I will be teaching an introduction to Judaism course. I’ve got over 75 people signed up, and I am really excited.

Does anyone know anything about Judaism?

Rav todot,

Zachary


Dear Rabbinical and Cantorial Students,

The Rabbinical and Cantorial Students Job Opportunity Network is pleased to announce a new job opportunity that will have many of you at the edge of your seats, so excited you will pee your pants.

To the best of my knowledge, these are the exact words the President of the synagogue used to describe this unique job opportunity:

Congregation Beth Falling Apart in The Middle Of Nowhere, New Jersey, is seeking to hire three students—Rabbinical or Cantorial—to serve part-time in a capacity that would normally take 15 full-time senior rabbis.

Responsibilities include leading weekly Friday night services: the main service, the kids’ service, the family service, the youth service, the 20s and 30s singles service, the senior services, and the healing service. We are a small congregation, and each service gets about 5 people. But we are a proud congregation, and we intend to keep each of these services.

Also, we hold services on Saturday mornings once a month. The first Shabbat of every month, we have 8 different services: the main service, the kids’ service, the family service, the youth service, the 20s and 30s singles service, the senior service, the healing service, and the creative service. In the creative service, we always sing that Carlebach melody people know. But for the whole service. That’s why we call it “the creative service.” I am the only person who comes to it, and I don’t want to see it go. The creative service means a lot to me.

Although we only have 15 family units on paper, we are looking forward to keeping you busy. Each of our members is hoping to have a 3-hour meeting with our rabbinical or cantorial staff at least once a week so that they can talk about traumatic things happening in their lives, or at least traumatic things that they are pretending are happening in their lives.

The only thing we serve at kiddush is herring because I think it’s delicious. No one else goes anyway.

Also, our Hebrew School has begun an exciting new curriculum based around corporal punishment. We hope you can help us implement this pedagogy.

Behatzlachah,

Catherine


Shalom Erev Rav,

Does anyone have a DVD of the unrated version of American Pie?

I want to show it to my Hebrew School kids.

Shabbat shalom,

Judy


Shalom Erev Rav,

I just got the job at Congregation Beth Falling-Apart in The Middle of Nowhere, New Jersey.

Mazzal tov to myself!

Lee Epstein

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